As part of UNSW’s annual celebration of sex and relationships during last year’s SEXtember, I joined Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach, and a group of UNSW students to explore a few burning questions on intimacy. From understanding what consent means in intimate relationships, to initiating a sexual relationship, Grace shared her insights with us from her field of sex education.
How important is consent in sexual and romantic relationships?
Consent was one of the first topics Grace explored, which makes sense not only because of how important consent is in promoting healthy, intimate relationships, but also because of the recent affirmative consent reforms in NSW. As Grace noted:
“We are now moving into understanding affirmative consent, and moving away from an understanding that was very simple when I grew up which was: ‘No means no’ … Now we’re moving to reframe that, and it’s looking at a ‘Yes means yes’.”
The new consent reforms make it clear that consent in an intimate relationship cannot be assumed just because someone does not say ‘no’. Instead, the reforms encourage intimate partners to move towards an ‘enthusiastic yes’ consent model, where consent is something which is actively communicated between intimate partners.
Grace also discussed the topic of responding to a ‘no’, or a situation where an intimate partner refuses to give consent:
“Another thing I think we all need to always practice is to be okay with receiving and hearing a ‘No’ … A ‘No’ isn’t necessarily a rejection of you, or who you are, or anything you’ve done … a ‘No’ can just be a useful piece of information as to how much that person is willing to give, or what they’re ready for, or what they’re wanting.”
So clearly consent is vital in intimate relationships. Not only does consent ensure that everyone is safe when engaging in sexual and romantic intimacy, but it encourages everyone to respect each other’s boundaries whenever they come up in these interactions.
What role does the media play when it comes to sex education?
Given the gaps in sexual education many new to sex have, the conversation turned towards the informal role of the media in addressing these gaps. As Grace commented:
“A lot of what our first experiences or understanding of viewing sex are in media, are in TV shows or in the things that we watch, so they do unfortunately play a very vital role in how we understand sex.”
The ‘unfortunate’ role media has in being the primary source of sex education for many comes from a history of media perpetuating harmful stereotypes about sex. From misogynistic plots that only portray women as sexual objects, to heteronormativity, to ableist normativity (just to name a few), there are many examples of media which eliminate the agency of individuals coming from diverse sexual contexts.
Of course, there are also examples of media having a positive impact in representing diverse and respectful sexual experiences. For Grace, the Netflix series Sex Education is one such example of positive representation. In particular, Grace praised one scene from the final season of Sex Education, which represented affirmative consent occurring between two characters engaging in sex:
“They showed how simple and sexy it can be to integrate this kind of [consent] language, and they used language like ‘Can I touch you here’, ‘I would like to kiss you’, ‘Can I put my hand on your body’, ‘Can you touch me in this way’.”
So, while the NSW Education Standards Authority begins to incorporate sex education into NSW schools, the media will continue to play an essential role in representing inclusive and respectful relationships between sexual and romantic partners.
What is ‘ethical porn’ and are there any challenges that pornography may create?
One form of media which is often viewed as taboo, but which nonetheless affects many learning about sex, is pornography. Grace made it clear that while she was not ‘anti-porn’, anyone viewing pornography should focus their viewing on ethical porn. So, what even is ‘ethical porn’? In addition to the pornography being between adults capable of giving consent, Grace clarified that:
“Ethical porn is essentially porn that ensures that every single person involved in the process is paid fairly, treated fairly, there’s consent from beginning to end, they’re aware of what is going to happen on set, but also how it’s going to be distributed and so on.”
However, while viewing ethical porn may enhance sexual pleasure for many, Grace also drew our attention to the challenges pornography may create for viewers. Firstly, she highlighted that “porn can have an impact on our expectations.” For example, pornography may create expectations that sex should be ‘effortless’ and without its moments of awkwardness, when that could not be further from reality. Secondly, compromised sexual experiences or ‘sexual performance’ is another challenge pornography may present. Talking about the experiences of her clients generally, Grace suggested that:
“If [her clients are] watching the same kind of porn, using the same kind of technique and they’re really relying on it … it can then make it challenging in other sexual contexts.”
In such a case where pornography may be hindering the intimate experiences between partners, Grace encouraged anyone in a relationship to have open, curious conversations with their partners. These open conversations can then become a way to encourage changes to pornography viewing habits which respect both partners’ interests. Alternatively, Grace recommended reaching out to a trusted health professional to address any individual challenges pornography may generate.
How do I start a romantic relationship with someone else?
Dating anxiety is real, which can make it especially nerve-racking to ask someone if they’re interested in being in a romantic relationship. Given this reality, Grace offered a few strategies for individuals to adopt before, during and after they go on a date with someone. Firstly, be okay with feeling doubt and questioning everything:
“It’s so important for us to acknowledge how human it is to feel vulnerable when you’re dating because everything is being called into question. You know, who am I? What do I want? Is this someone I’m interested in? Do I want to kiss them?”
Secondly, maintain your platonic friendships, not only because they are some of the most fulfilling relationships in their own right, but because “they can also support you when you’re working through all of this new world of dating.” Finally, Grace made a point of individuals having their own self-care practices which they engage with, independent of the dating experience.
‘Let’s talk about sex’ – How do I begin the conversation about sex?
Now the burning question many of us were waiting for. How to go about initiating a sexual relationship? Grace framed her response to this question in terms of conversational foreplay as well as knowing and communicating your desires. Grace illustrated what she meant by foreplay in conversations about sex:
“… Often we don’t go in hard and fast. What we want to do is we want to take time to build the rapport, to connect in with bodies, check in to get a sense of what everyone likes and is into. And then we might move into building the intensity later on.”
Then comes knowing your desires, which is all about taking the time to learn what turns you on and what turns you off. Once you know your desires, Grace emphasised the importance of communicating these ‘turn ons’ and ‘turn offs’ to your partner (and vice versa). Whether that means wanting to have sex at a later time, or wanting to connect emotionally first, or wanting to have sex in a particular way, communicating these desires can make the experience all the more satisfying for everyone involved.
Of course, Grace stressed that when deciding to have sex, individuals should participate in ‘safer sex practices’ or SSPs – knowing that sometimes accidents happen even when everyone is doing the best that they can to keep each other safe. SSPs include getting tested regularly for sexually transmitted illnesses, using barrier methods such as condoms, finger condoms and dental dams, as well as using contraception and lube for ease of movement.
So whether it’s SEXtember or any other time of the year, Grace’s knowledge and experience reveals the ever-dynamic relationship we have between ourselves, our bodies, and each other.