KENSINGTON, NSW – A recent PSA issued by UNSW announced the retirement of its long-time WiFi network, Uniwide, effective August 1st. It’s the second PSA this year – the first in February failing to deliver, due to the IT department reportedly being ‘plugged up’ until July.
UNSW’s official position is that Uniwide is retiring to spend more time with his family at his timeshare in Hervey Bay. However, our investigative reporters have unearthed contradictory information. According to various anonymous sources across campus, Uniwide was actually suspended for a number of months before being terminated for misconduct. Much of this has been kept hush-hush, but sources confirm that Uniwide’s consistent tardiness and absences from work –“visiting his sister in Scottsdale” – which caused numerous technical difficulties and class disruptions, didn’t even scratch the surface.
Uniwide allegedly (but definitely) had a drinking problem, which regularly disrupted his performance and led to the many WiFi outages UNSW endured over the years. On numerous occasions he was found belly-up in a deep, alcohol-induced stupor, a bottle of vodka slowly slipping through his fingers and electrically assaulting the cables; however, this incident was only officially reported once.
The reason for this supposed protection of Uniwide? His scandalous and controversial history as a former network at Moscow State University in Russia. UNSW claims to have zero knowledge of this background, insisting that Uniwide had his employment history forged by a self-proclaimed ex-Bolshevik arsonist he found on Facebook Marketplace. Responding to our request for a statement, UNSW stated that “We obviously denounce any Russian affiliation we may have unknowingly had in the past and will work on refining our hiring processes to ensure all future staff and systems at UNSW are qualified, honest and upstanding citizens. We apologise for not vetting our networks as rigorously as we do our human staff”.
Gamamari also reached out to Uniwide for a comment on his termination but was rudely turned down and has spent the past three days without network access.
“The Shallot” is Gamamari’s satirical news column, inspired by The Onion, delivering bite-sized satire through fictionalised, absurd takes on real-world events and societal issues. This thought-provoking column offers readers a playful critique of contemporary culture and politics in a style that parodies traditional journalism.