Category: Satire—The Shallot
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How I Would Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
Editor’s note: “Nowadays, people often respond to crises with laughable celebrity worshipping, irrational confidence, pseudoscience, or self-righteousness rather than practical thinking. Contemporary behaviors are something to be questioned and mocked. This piece of absurdist #satire takes a stab at how, despite all the narrator’s supposed knowledge, skills and self-beliefs, none of it matters because ultimately, we have…
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Mattel Releases Brand New ‘Constipation Barbie’, Plumbers Celebrate
EL SAGUNDO, CA – In a continued effort to celebrate diversity, Mattel has just released their newest doll: Constipation Barbie. Following the company’s alleged success with their January release, Autistic Barbie (equipped with noise-cancelling headphones, a fidget spinner and body dysmorphia), this new release aims to be inclusive of cute, curious, constipated children. The doll…
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Farewell Uniwide: The Reality Behind UNSW’s Beloved Network
KENSINGTON, NSW – A recent PSA issued by UNSW announced the retirement of its long-time WiFi network, Uniwide, effective August 1st. It’s the second PSA this year – the first in February failing to deliver, due to the IT department reportedly being ‘plugged up’ until July. UNSW’s official position is that Uniwide is retiring to…
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Tharunka editor writes more emails than articles
An anonymous source (allegedly a Tharunka editor) has told Tharunka they’ve had to wait more than a month to get paid below the minimum wage after logging their invoice to Arc @ UNSW Ltd. According to the source, they’ve spent more than 50 unpaid hours resending the same email to Arc to remind them that…
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First-year wants to know where the free plants are
“I PROMISE I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT”: wide-eyed young psychology student Emma Brandt only had one place to go amid the endless stalls of O-Week. “I don’t remember what it (the stall) was called,” she explained, “but they have sunflowers this year and they’re so cute. “You get nothing like this back home in Walcha.” …
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College students rejoice as Goldstein dining hall serves cooked chicken
By Jack Nivison Tharunka reported exclusively at the scene, where the tearful rejoicing of dozens of college students echoed throughout the hall. The change comes after several weeks of reported sub-par meals, and the announcement that the Goldstein Dining Hall – “Dino” to the locals – will be contractually separated from its current catering service…